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Inner Light

It was pitch black out—a new moon, a cloudy sky, and no starlight anywhere. I felt compelled to crawl under a giant tree for protection. Once underneath, the scene transformed. It was bright, beautiful, and radiant. The tree lit up. At first glance, you couldn't tell because the tree was hiding. On the outside, it blended in with the dark so as not to disturb the forest. It only lit up on the inside.

I woke up from the dream feeling a great tension. That tree was me. I was hiding my light. But why?

As an autistic girl, I didn't always pick up on the unspoken social norms. I didn't know the rules of the game and often broke them without realizing it.

I remember speaking confidently, saying things like "I am smart" or "I am good at this or that."

Oops. That was a mistake. Girls weren't supposed to say nice things about themselves. I was corrected and shamed for bragging or being arrogant.

Over time, I learned the rules of the game. You're not supposed to say nice things about yourself. You are supposed to compliment others and wait for people to compliment you. You are supposed to place your confidence and self-worth in the hands of others. You are supposed to dim your light to make others feel better.

It's not a fun game to play because no one wins. Playing small doesn't feel good because the light doesn't go anywhere. It just gets trapped within. The energy of confidence transforms into its opposite: insecurity.

I began working on this piece of art as a way to release the light within and shine it outward, but something unexpected happened halfway through. Life tried to block me.

I felt compelled to start working on a different piece of art—a cactus.

While working on it, someone in my life tried to interfere with me. It began with numerous compliments about my art. Then, it transitioned into something more. Something off. I won't go into details, but I needed to set boundaries. But how?

Although there are several ways to set boundaries, I have discovered two main approaches: the wall approach and the cactus approach.

The Way of the Wall
Walls used to entertain me. I played a game with them called "Resist the Wall." I would push against the wall and find it fascinating how the wall pushed back against me. If I pushed hard, it would push harder. If I pushed lightly, it wouldn't push back much at all. No pushing and it would simply stand there as a wall. Whatever effort I exerted was pushed back at me. 

Walls result in endless pushing back and forth, as well as endless drama. They are exhausting and don't work.

The Way of the Cactus
Cacti are different. When we see a cactus, we can appreciate its beauty, but we usually don't want to cuddle with it. The spikes command respect. They are always there. There is no need for mind games, bending the truth, manipulation, and clever comebacks. They don't push. They stay put and protect.

The cactus gives you a choice. Respect the spikes, and you can smell the flower. Go too far, and the spikes will stop you.

My spikes showed up as confidence. I realized that the person was using some insecurities I had to try to manipulate me. As soon as I caught the pattern and found the confidence within, the manipulation had no power over me. It didn't stick. I could set a boundary and stick to it.

When we teach each other to dim our light, not to speak kindly about ourselves, and to rely on others for our self-esteem, we are not protecting each other. We are creating the perfect setup for abuse and manipulation. Someone can easily use our insecurities against us. Dimming our light does not make us any safer. It makes us more vulnerable.

Let's stop dimming our light. Let's play a new game instead. It's called "Light Me Up". I'm going to become confident, shine my light, and speak positively about myself. Then I'll pass the torch to you so you can light up. Let's keep lighting each other up. Let's transform that dark forest into a bright, sunny day. And if anyone wants to put that light out, our spikes of confidence won't let it happen.


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About the Artwork

Inner Light and Prickly were created entirely out of tiny pieces of paper cut out of recycled magazines. The original, prints, greeting cards and journals are available with the image.